What would it mean to let myself shine?
Dearest Doodle Soupsters,
Yesterday, I performed at Brooklyn Music Kitchen as a part of the InspiredWordNYC feature series. I feel really happy and grateful that I got to share my songs last night, for people coming out to see me and support me …
I also noticed that I felt guilty. Why do I feel guilty for receiving encouragement and support? Why do I feel guilty for letting myself shine?
I could say yes, it’s the PTSD. It’s the trauma. And it is. But that’s just a way for me to answer the question without emotion. A way to sum it up without “going there.”
What would it mean to let myself shine? What would it mean to accept that people can make their own choices? That if they chose to spend time showing up to support me, it’s my job to accept their support? What would it mean to let myself grieve all the times I hid myself? Because when I don’t allow myself to grieve, I shame myself instead? What would it mean to acknowledge that I was always worthy of being treated with love, care, and respect?
Lately, I’ve been processing how my different parts co-exist. Parts such as me at different ages, my co-existing and contradictory beliefs and outlooks on life, my co-existing and contradictory desires and emotions … a few minutes ago, I was watching the sunset on the train home from work and I wrote this poem …
Who’s the monster and other flip sides …
I keep searching for some door, some portal to a new life
I keep forgetting that I’m already here I keep asking the same old questions
Circling through, between Alice’s underworld and back to life
who am I? what does it mean?
I don’t have any answers for you my friend
Always saying that again and again and again.
Only what’s simple and true I am me I am here now
Does it have to be more complicated?
For sure, sometimes
Can it be enough that there are moments when I am free again?
Here and now? Me?
I wish I could feel this clear all the time
Too many knots to untie I know Do I have what it takes?
Well I guess I’ll have to find whatever that is inside myself and in each other
I’m not alone anymore
Sweet child reach out, hold out, stay with me and breathe, no need to be anyone or be anywhere
The only place is here
The only time is now
Only parts of the truth
Truths that coexist with all there’s ever been and all there will be
When will these parts of me learn to hold each other? Too much tug of war, too much push and pull and hit and tear
Love me! Love me?
Isn’t that what these younger parts are trying to tell me? Take care of me? Love me anyway. Love me even though you wish it was easier. Love me even though you wish I already knew. Love me even though we weren’t loved like this all along. Love me even though you want to harden your heart, callous your skin. Love me even though you’d rather call me weak than needy than in need. Love me even though you wish you were loved like this from the beginning. Love me anyway. Learn to love me anyway …
I whisper back to these parts of myself, I’m trying baby, I’m trying, I’m learning, I promise you I will.
I’ll leave you with these puzzle pieces, these parts of my experience loosely stitched together. I’ll let the narrative be broken, or rather piecemeal, maybe even gaping in one area or another? I’ll let this be what it is.
With gratitude, letting myself be a mosaic,
Nicole Sylvia Javorsky
P.S. If you were able to make it to my show last night, thank you for coming!! Also thank you for the kind messages rooting me on!! Thank you for being here, a part of this Chicken Doodle Soup project. I appreciate you reading and receiving my words, art, music, etc. more than you know.
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